The Express Lane Means Express

Since everyone likes to eat, most of us make regular trips to the grocery store.  Heck, a lot of grocery stores have whole sections devoted to salad bars and hot meals, so you don't even have to cook to eat.  Plus they carry everything else from wine to motor oil to birthday cakes so there's something for everyone.  It really shouldn't be a surprise to me that people behave poorly while they're shopping, but somehow, it always is.  What is it with people who park their cart in the center of the aisle, blocking traffic, while they read labels or rifle through their coupons to find the one for whatever product they're standing in front of?  Other people with carts end up backed up on both sides of them while they continuously stand there, oblivious to the world around them.  They're always so surprised when they finally notice or someone says "excuse me."  Seriously?  You're so unaware of your surroundings that you don't notice 5 other people within 6 feet of you?  I also can't stand the people who put something in their cart and then change their mind about it somewhere else in the store so they just put the item on whatever shelf is closest.  Hey, that's right, the bread shelf is exactly where that can of Raid should go. Don't worry about poisoning any of the rest of us. How difficult is it to walk yourself back to the right location and put it away?  Apparently pretty difficult.  From what I've seen, on a scale of 1 to 10, it's impossible.  I absolutely cannot stand to get behind the people who want to carry on a long conversation with the cashier at checkout.  I don't mean the people who are friendly and chat while their purchase is being scanned.  That's actually a nice thing to do.  I mean the people who have known the cashier since she was 4 and want to catch up on every detail of her (or her family's) life since the last time they saw her.  It's always during a busy time when every line is backed up with full carts three and four deep and this bozo wants to know who the girl is dating and how her mother's hysterectomy went.  You can't make a phone call to catch up?  You have to do it right this very minute while the rest of us are glaring daggers at you and you don't see that the poor cashier is trying to be polite but clearly wants you to move on?  Really?  What is wrong with the people who see a sign for something on sale and pick up the item right next to it?  They then pitch a hissy fit at checkout because the cashier rang it up "wrong."  No, you're just a moron and either can't read or you're trying to pull a fast one.  If brand X is on sale, that doesn't mean brand Z is because it's on the same shelf.  And then there are the people who want to take 40 items through the express lane because they're all the same.  I'm sorry (ok, no I'm not), 40 cans of tuna doesn't count as 1 item!  Who do you think you're kidding?   How about people who can't put their cart in the cart corral in the parking lot when they've finished with it?  They just leave it sitting there where it rolls into other people's cars and takes up parking spaces.  You'd think that the corral is located all the way on the other side of the lot, at least 200 yards away, instead of conveniently located every 10 spaces.  How lazy are you to be unable to drive an empty shopping cart 20 feet and put it in the corral?  People behaving badly.

Limes Are For People Who Order Margaritas

There are a few things that people do when dining out that completely flummox me.  Things that make no sense to me what so ever.  Of course, I'm aware that they probably make perfect sense to the people who do them, but their reasoning escapes me.  For instance, people who insist on being seated in a booth when they're shown to a table.  Now, if you have small children, I get why you want a booth.  You want to trap them between you and the wall to prevent them from escaping your clutches and running around like monkeys on acid.  I get that, really I do, and I thank you for it!  What I don't understand is someone without small children who militantly demands a booth in a closed section instead of the perfectly nice table available.  We're not even talking about the people who want the dirty booth instead of the clean table that's ready to be seated, standing in the aisle, waiting for someone to bus the booth and clean it, disrupting the flow of seating and lurking over the people already sitting at tables around them.  Seriously?  It makes that much difference in how much you enjoy your meal?  I also don't get the people who demand a lime with their water or soft drink instead of a lemon.  Limes are more expensive, generally kept at the bar where the server has to ask for them, and taste no different than the more easily accessible lemon.  Requesting a lime slows down your service, since every time you get a refill, the server has to make another trip to the bar.  That's part of their job you say?  Of course it is, but they can serve you more efficiently if you don't make silly requests that don't make any difference in taste.  A lime in your water doesn't make you look more sophisticated either, it makes you look pretentious.  Then there are the people who want their toddler to order his own meal.  The server is forced to stand there and wait while Mommy keeps saying "Tell her what you want, go on, tell her, tell her what you want, you can do it, say it, tell her what you want, tell her, use your words, you can say it, tell her," while said toddler is hiding his face or trying to get under the table or coloring or anything except telling the server what he wants.  Newsflash: restaurants are busy places and servers really don't have time to camp out while you try to get junior to use his words.  That server has other tables that also need her attention and if they don't get it, she'll lose money.  What about the people who don't unroll their silver from the napkin?  Instead, they just pull the utensils out of the roll and ask for extra napkins, and that's if they use the utensils at all.  I've seen this with both cloth napkins as well as paper ones.  People are animals.  Guess what?  We give you the silver and the napkin in one tidy little package for your convenience.  If you don't use it, we can't reuse it on the next table.  (Would you really want that anyway?  Ewww!)  We have to unroll it, wash the silver, and throw away a perfectly good napkin that you were too lazy to unroll, after we had to give you another one.  Napkins (like limes) cost money to restaurants and when customers use (or demand and then not use) more and more, the restaurant will eventually pass that cost on to you.  I also don't understand the people who want to pay their modest ticket with a $100 bill.  Most servers carry a "bank" to make change that usually consists of about $20.  The restaurant doesn't provide this.  If you come in to eat early in the shift and want to pay your $25 ticket with a $100, chances are the server can't break it and has to get change from the bartender or the manager.  If either one of them are busy, this could take some time, holding up not only you, but also all the other tables in that server's section.  Since you almost always have to ask for $100's from the bank and ATMs generally don't give them, the people who do this are doing it intentionally.  I don't get it.  It doesn't make you look wealthy.  It's a pain for everyone involved and most of the time, you get change that consists of $1's and $5's.  That fits in your wallet really well, right?  What about people who walk in talking on their cell phone and continue to talk on it all the way to the table?  Seriously?  You can't finish your conversation in the car?  How about the people who don't read the menu?  Instead, they want to ask me three hundred and one questions involving the possible three thousand and one ingredients the restaurant has.  "Do you have this?"  Believe it or not, the menus are tools created just for you, the customer!  It has all the information you'd like to know! The best one ever was the woman who came in one day who left her reading glasses in the car and demanded to use my prescription glasses that I was wearing!  I wish I was making this up. They aren't reading glasses and they aren't for perfect strangers to use!  Who does this?!   People behaving badly.

Planes, Trains and Other Such

Traveling equals vacation, adventure, relaxation, and good times right?  I wish.  Don't get me wrong, I love to visit other places and experience different cultures.  I love trying new food, meeting new people, and seeing the wonders of somewhere that are completely different from home.  It's the process of getting there that's become unbearable and it's not the transportation industry's fault, it's my fellow travelers.  Post 9-11, air travel has become more regimented with security requirements firmly in place.  There are acceptable forms of ID, body scanners, baggage limits, and long lines.  There have always been boarding procedures.  None of it is a surprise and detailed instructions can be found with a minimum amount of research.  Yet, without fail, someone always shows up at the airport without ID, with a giant oversize bag that must be checked, or without enough time to get through security to make their flight.  And without fail, they make a huge scene and hold up the process for everyone else.  Trust me, no one else wants to listen to you rant about a situation that you've created yourself.  Planes are tight spaces with people packed inside like sardines.  Why do some women feel it necessary to bathe in perfume?  What smells lovely to you smells old lady or cheap hooker to other people.  Not the sexy impression you were trying to give I'll bet.  Some people are extra sensitive to scent as well.  Perfumes cause migraines for some people, nausea for others, and no one wants to be next to someone whose scent is so strong they can taste it.  How about you just smell clean?  There's also limited storage space on planes.  I was recently on a flight where a couple had used the overhead bins for two tiny fanny packs that would have easily fit under the seat in front of them.  They also didn't want to stack them so other people could use the overhead space.  Really?  How selfish and self centered are you that you can't share?  If it's small enough to slide under the seat, put it there.  This same flight had a woman who had a giant backpack, a purse, a tote bag, and two shopping bags that she tried carrying on.  I guess she thought that the one carry on per person rule didn't apply to her.  Getting her extras checked held the boarding process up and standing in a line pressed up against the people in front of me for 7 minutes was exactly what I wanted to do right then.  Another thing I don't want to deal with (and neither does anyone else) is your kids fighting, shouting, crying, or kicking the back of my seat.  Yes, I know they're just kids, I know they're bored, I know they're excited, I know they're tired.  So is everyone else.  You brought them on the plane, it's your job to handle them.  Let them know ahead of time what kind of behavior is expected, bring stuff to keep them occupied, and pay attention to what they're doing.  I realize that kids will be kids, I just want you, as the parent, to step in when they get out of hand.  If they (or you) aren't mature enough to travel, maybe you should think twice about subjecting them to it.  My favorite type of traveler is the Ugly American and I've seen plenty of them.  They're the people who think everything should be just like it is at home.  They complain, while visiting other countries, that the seats are too small at the airports, there aren't free refills on beverages, there aren't bacon and eggs for breakfast, the Holiday Inn at Disney had better accommodations because it had a pool, no one has Bud Light, cars are too small, and (gasp!) people in other countries don't speak English!  You can almost always tell they're American because they're wearing tennis shoes and baseball caps, no matter where they are, and somehow believe that if they just speak louder, then the person they're talking to will miraculously understand English.  I find myself wondering why in the world did they decide to visit?  People behaving badly.

Parenting Is Not For Wimps

What is it with parents who don't want to be parents?  I don't mean people who never wanted kids and had an oopsie, I mean people who have kids and don't want to deal with the responsibility of raising them.  People who are so caught up in their own self interest that their kids get the short end of the stick.  Yesterday I had a woman and her little boy sit in my section.  She was on her phone when she came in and didn't hang up for 10 minutes.  At first, I thought it was an important call and didn't want to interrupt, but it soon became apparent that she was just gabbing with a friend while her kid sat there bored to death, fidgeting.  Finally, I was able to get an order when she did hang up.  Instead of engaging her child, she pulled out her ipad and played with that until they left.  As they were leaving, she was back on her phone.  Really?  You can't talk to your kid for just 20 minutes?  Once, I was shopping at a large store and there was a pack of unattended kids racing around shrieking and throwing things at each other.  After getting hit, I told them to knock it off.  The oldest little girl informed me she didn't have to do what I said because I wasn't her Mother.  Turns out, they were all siblings and Mom and Dad were shopping for themselves and left the kids to their own devices, where they terrorized everyone else.  Had that been me as a child, there would have been an unfortunate incident in the bathroom. (Or maybe the car, where equally unfortunate incidents occurred.)  Mom and Dad, when confronted about the antics of their offspring, seemed amazed that other people didn't let their kids run around like monkeys on crack and that none of us wanted to be pelted with their crap.  "But, they're just having fun" they kept saying.  Yeah, and horseback riding is fun for me but I don't do it in a store.  Last week, I watched a Dad and three little (and I mean little) boys come in for lunch.  Dad was so busy watching sports on his phone, he couldn't get the baby in his highchair, or watch him so everything from silverware to crayons to the salt shaker to drinks were thrown in the floor.  (Such a delight for the table next to them.)  When the oldest one had to go to the bathroom, he left the baby and the 3 year old at the table by themselves!  Of course, the baby started screaming.  Another server and I sat with them until Dad came back, amazed that a baby and a toddler couldn't be left alone for 10 minutes.  Seriously?!  This guy couldn't even tear himself away from ESPN long enough to help the server with passing out food to his kids.  (Guess where the baby's ended up?)  Buddy, you helped make them, it's your job to take care of them.  I found myself wondering how this guy got up in the morning, got dressed and made it to work without his wife's help. He probably didn't. People behaving badly.

Sports, the New Religion?

Sports are our nation's national pastime.  We sign our kids up for organized sports to teach them important things like sportsmanship, respect, hard work, being part of a team, and winning and losing gracefully.  For the most part, the kids get it.  The adults, well, not so much.  I've begun to think that too many people view sports, on all levels - high school, college, and professional, as a religion.  As I've mentioned before, I live on the border of two states.  Each one has a major state university with a massive sports program.  The rivalry between the two schools is unbelievable.  I've lived in several different states and even in a different country, but I've never seen a rivalry like this.  Grown adults make some very nasty comments in all seriousness.  One school is derided for being attended by mentally deficient hicks who have incestuous relationships with their siblings while the other is looked down on for being populated by drug cartel gangsters.  I've seen countless discussion groups seriously debating these "facts."  Ironically, both schools have named their teams after guerrilla terrorist groups from the Civil War.  Nice huh?  During the various seasons, you would think the fate of the world lay in the balance depending on which team was going to win by the way some of those adults behave.  Most of them didn't even attend either school!  One of my sisters in law is a professor at a small college.  She has a masters degree in theater and teaches drama.  Several years ago, she had a couple of boys with athletic scholarships take her class.  One showed up for class on the first day and on the day of the final where he signed his name to the test and turned it in blank. The other came to class, sat in the back and slept the entire period.  Both of them failed the class. (Duh!)  This caused a major ruckus on campus.  The boys' coach stormed into her office and demanded to know "just what in the hell she thought she was doing" since a failing grade benched those players.  She explained what they had done in her class to earn their grades and the coach informed her she couldn't fail his players because of how much money the sports program brought into the school.  It came out that the boys took her class because they thought it would be an easy class where they wouldn't have to do any work.  When my sister in law refused to change their grades, the college changed their records to indicate the boys had never been in her class.  This is a small college.  I can only imagine what it's like in bigger universities.  Then there is the whole "football is war" philosophy.  Bear Bryant, Kellen Winslow II, Sam Huff, Vince Lombardi and many, many others have used that analogy over the years.  Really?  Football is war?!  How does getting paid exorbitant sums of money to PLAY A GAME in front of thousands of fans dressed in team colors with pretty girls waving pom poms and cheering them on compare to a unit of infantry soldiers wearing body armor, carrying assault weapons, patrolling a combat zone where people are actively trying to kill them?  All while they're far away from home and family.  There is no comparison and it is incredibly arrogant to suggest it.  The incident that makes me the angriest is the Penn State scandal.  A grown man was caught in the act of having sex with a little boy in the locker room shower.  The 28 year old witness asked his daddy for advice instead of contacting the authorities.  Daddy told him to tell Joe Paterno.  Instead of contacting the authorities, Joe told the athletic director.  Same thing happened all the way up the chain of command to the University President.  Not one of them stepped up and did the right thing by reporting Jerry Sandusky to the authorities.  Instead, they took away his keys. Why?  Because the football program at Penn State, like many other universities, is a huge business, generating a massive amount of revenue for the school.  Protecting the bottom line became the focus instead of protecting children.  When the scandal broke and Joe Paterno was fired, the students rioted and Penn State fans were outraged.  How dare they fire Joe-Pa?  No one seemed to give a damn about Sandusky's victims.  They were too busy worshiping at the alter of the football program.  And that's what created the environment that allowed Jerry Sandusky to molest little boys in the first place.  A pseudo religion is what these sports have become.  Pseudo means false, fake, phony, mock, contrived.  Be careful that you don't worship false gods.  People behaving badly.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

We are right smack dab in the middle of the Holiday Season for 2011.  Houses are decorated, gifts are wrapped, and plans with friends and family are being made to spend time together.  Why is it then, that so many people get hung up on being offended?  I've seen several emails and links about how Christmas traditions and the holiday itself were "stolen" from the pagans and that they'd "like their holiday back" or that mainstream folks have no business celebrating with holly, trees, mistletoe, caroling, or any number of other traditions, especially since they don't know the significance of those things.  Really?  First of all, pagan can be many things.  At its heart, it's someone who doesn't follow the religious beliefs of the main world religions.  Some people who identify with paganism don't follow any religious beliefs at all while others are very religious in their interpretation.  Not all religious pagans worship the same gods.  So, who exactly "wants their religion back?"  Did the Christian Priests absorb the traditions of native peoples into their holiday?  You bet they did.  The new gods took the place of the old ones many times in many cultures and this is no exception.  But, there are more of us than you might think who do know exactly where our traditions come from and celebrate them with gusto.  I've also seen a cynical message that states that the holidays are horrible because by encouraging people to be kind at this time of year, it makes it OK to treat others wretchedly the rest of the year.  You've got to be kidding me.  I don't think even Evel Knieval could make that jump!  Who thinks like this?  But my favorite are the people who rant, rave, and shake with suppressed (and not so suppressed) rage against the "Happy Holidays" greeting.  I've heard someone say that the only appropriate greeting for December 25 is "Merry Christmas" and I've heard others say that using "Happy Holidays" is un-American.  I've received invites to boycott stores that have signs that say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" and I've been forced to listen to people rail against the "pc bullshit" that's being forced down their throats and denying their children their rightful heritage.  Seriously?  A store with a sign that says "Happy Holidays" is denying your kids their rightful heritage?  What planet are you on?  First of all, the word holiday comes from holy day, first used in the 12th century to describe a day free from work in recognition of a holy celebration.  Secondly, there are many holidays being celebrated this time of year.  Remember the song The 12 Days of Christmas?  Those 12 days (Christmastide) run from December 25 to January 5 and during that time is St. Stephen's Day (Boxing Day) and Childermas (Feast of the Innocents) which are celebrated in varying ways around the world. Not to mention New Years which we celebrate lavishly in this country.  Let's not forget the big three - Christmas (December 25), Hanukkah (December 20-28 this year. So much for "Merry Christmas" being the only appropriate greeting.) and Kwanza (December 26-January 1).  Acknowledging all of them does not take away from any of them.  I say "Happy Holidays" because I celebrate multiple holidays during this time of year and I don't always know which holiday other people celebrate.  Whatever greeting someone is kind enough to offer me during this season of celebration, I smile and wish them the same.  How hard is it to focus on the best things this season has to offer like celebration of family, culture, and community, freedom to worship as we choose or not to worship at all if that's our choice, being generous to those who aren't as fortunate as we are, and hope for the coming new year?  People behaving badly. 

I'm no Pollyanna, but I'm no Negative Nelly either

We all have bad days.  The kind of days where you wish you could just go back to bed and pull the covers over your head and get a do over.  (I had one of those days yesterday!  If it could go wrong, it did!)  Most of the time, those days are few and far between.  Why is it then that so many people like to wallow around in negativity?  I know several people who have decent jobs that like to gripe and complain continuously about how horrible it is to work at XYZ Corporation while so many others, who are willing to work, can't find a job at all.  Doesn't matter what they get paid, it's never enough. Doesn't matter who they work with, they're all jerks.  Doesn't matter who the client is, they're all idiots.  Doesn't matter what the schedule is, it's never good enough.  Really?  Ever stop to think maybe the problem isn't your job, it's you?  Same goes for those  women and men who complain endlessly about their relationships (or lack of) with the opposite sex.  All they can talk about is how everyone is a deadbeat or a user or selfish or shallow or just doesn't understand them.  Hmm.  Ever think that maybe if you weren't so bitter and judgmental all the time, you might attract a better type of partner or keep the one you have?  Just a thought.  Family; some days you'd kill for them, some days you just want to kill them.  I understand, really, I do.  I have some issues of my own and then some, but eventually you have to stop blaming your childhood for the direction your life is taking as an adult.  You do have choices. I'm not talking about people who were abused as children. (I am so not qualified to give anyone my opinion on that subject!)  I am talking about the rest of us that maybe had or still have a crummy relationship with family.  Guess what?  There are a lot of us!  You don't have a monopoly on that!  How long are you going to drag around that baggage? Or should I say let it drag you around?  And then there are the people who continuously deride anything and anyone they don't agree with.  Their mantra is "Accept me the way I am!" and they will complain bitterly and loudly if everyone doesn't do just that.  Problem is, they aren't willing to do that with everyone else.  Someone else's political views are different?  They're uninformed and ignorant!  Someone else's religious views are different?  They're narrow minded and ignorant!  Someone's decision to have kids is different?  They're selfish and ignorant!  Someone's sexual orientation is different?  They're not open minded and ignorant!  Funny thing is all these examples work regardless of which side of the argument you're on!   You don't have to agree with other people's opinions, but you also don't have to attack them at every opportunity either.  I like to think of people like this as Energy Vampires because their constant negativity just sucks the life right out of everyone who's around them.  No one wants to be around people who drag them down.  People behaving badly.